Collected from the Net

[ashwanyks]

hi aswani... nice story....another example .....one japanes executive working for suzuki opined during maruti project.......1 indian =10 japs. but 10indians=1jap......i.e.indian brain is best in world but we lack team spirit

Some more facts about INDIANS

A snapshot of Indians at the helm of leading Global businesses
The Co-founder of Sun Microsystems (Vinod Khosla),
Largest Steel Manfucturer in the World and Third Richest Man in the World (LN Mittal)
Creator of Pentium Chip (Vinod Dahm),
Founder and creator of Hotmail (Sabeer Bhatia),
Chief Executive of McKinsey & Co. (Rajat Gupta)
President and CFO of Pepsi Cola (Indra Nooyi)
President of United Airlines (Rono Dutta)
Exc. VP and Head of Printing Group of Hewlett-Packard (Vyomesh Joshi)
President and CEO of US Airways (Rakesh Gangwal)
Chief Executive of CitiBank (Victor Menezes),
Chief Executives of Standard Chartered Bank (Rana Talwar)
Chief Executive officer of Vodafone (Arun Sarin)
President of AT & T-Bell Labs (Arun Netravali)
Vice-Chairman and founder of Juniper Networks (Pradeep Sindhu)
Founder of Bose Audio (Amar Bose)
Founder, chip designer Cirrus Logic (Suhas Patil )
Chairman and CEO of Computer Associates (Sanjay Kumar)
Head of (HPC WorldWide) of Unilever Plc. (Keki Dadiseth)
Chief Executive Officer of HSBC (Aman Mehta)
Director and member of Executive Board of Goldman Sachs (Girish Reddy)
Chief Economist of the International Monetary Fund (Raghuram Rajan)
Former CTO of Novell Networks (Kanwal Rekhi)

 

[ashwanyks]

Statistics that show:

38% of doctors in the USA,
12% of scientists in the USA,
36% of NASA scientists,
34% of Microsoft employees,
28% of IBM employees,
17% of INTEL scientists,
13% of XEROX employees,

are Indians.

 

[joy_mitali]

Hello Ashwanyks,
I was always proud to be an Indian---but now knowing all the great Indians (in recent times)from ur post----I m really thrilled to be an Indian--
Hope---at least some of us---in this forum---(whether Indian or from other countries) become prominent names in the near future---in the financial sector----So as to glorify this forum to its maximum----
Regards,
joy_mitali

 

[Gandhi710]

Yaar. You did a wonderful job. Keep it up!

 

[ashwanyks]

thanks Joy & Gandhi

Now compare India & Pakistan (Humour)

Read this story. Though its a story it reflects both indian and pakistani govt mindsets exactly.

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way. Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan.

This was their scenario..............

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They dont need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session.

The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.
The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical
failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand. A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting! PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM. Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA. The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties
agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission.

But as preparations begin, pro-humanity, anti-nuclear activists come out against the Governments decision.
Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised. In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning Please forward it to as many Indians as possible.

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in theIndian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software,
it hits it original destination: Russia.

Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The
missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth

of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile.Pakistan never gets it right.

And both live happily ever after!!

******************************************************

 

[Debraj]

Here is conversation between the software engineer husband and his
wife..........................

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree?
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan ! I forgot it. where's your salary?
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

Those who are in IT field, do not mind.

 

[subratabera]

Hello Ashwanyks,

Amazing stuff (Indo-Pak Missile Problem). Keep it up...

Subrata Bera.

 

[ashwanyks]

CLINTON JOKES

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colourful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they, too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi, Bill."




When Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton first got married, Bill said: " I am putting a box under our bed. You must never look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary Clinton never did. Until their 30th marriage anniversary. On that day, when she lifted the lid and peeked inside, she found three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary couldn't contain herself any longer. She confessed: "I am sorry. For all these years, I've kept my promise to never look into the box under our bed. But, today, I did. Now, I need to know why you keep the empty cans in the box."

Bill thought a while, and said: "I guess after all these years, you do deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said: "While I am deeply saddened, I guess all those years away from home, on the road, was the reason. Temptation does happen and I guess three times is not so bad considering we've been together for so long." They hugged, and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked: "But, why did you have all the money in the box?" Said Bill: "Well, every time the box filled up with empty cans, I took the cans to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"




It was the end of the school year.

The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly, the questions I ask, may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"
The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first.

Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"




During an American History class, the principle walked in with an Asian who was the son of a Japanese businessman called Toshiba. The principle introduced Toshiba to the class and left. The teacher greeted Toshiba and started to lecture. "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'give me liberty or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from earth?" Again, no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"

The teacher snapped at the class, "you should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do" As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud Whisper, "damn Japanese".

"Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up, "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I am gonna to throw up".
The teacher said: "Who said that?"
Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister in 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my..."
Once again, Toshiba piped up with the answer, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

 

[ashwanyks]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function,but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Debraj]

BRUCE LEE'S PROFILE

1. Favorite vegetable
* Mu Lee


2. Favourite Lunch
* Tha Lee


3. What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over?
* Kha Lee


4. Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
* Saa Lee


5. Favorite Breakfast
* Id Lee


6. Favourite festival
* Diwa Lee


7. Favorite Actress
* Sona Lee


8. Favorite Music
* Qawa Lee


9. Most interesting job?
* Coo Lee


10. When did Bruce Lee die?
* Fina Lee


11. How did Bruce Lee die?
* With a Go Lee


12. Favorite hill station
* Kulu Mana Lee


13. Nick name?
* Mawa Lee


14. Favorite Hindi movie?
* Gharwa Lee Baharwa Lee


15. Favourite cricketer?
* Saurav Gangu Lee


16. Favourite Pet
* Bil Lee


17. Favourite Passtime
* Khuj Lee


18. Bathing Place
* Na Lee


DO NOT MIND....... IT'S JUST A JOKE