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Always remember those who serve you - Email fw.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she double checked what was on the table.... there, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - You see, the kid couldn't have the sundae, because he was a gentleman, who had to leave a tip.
Be good to those who you serve, and be kind to those who serve you. Countless people serve to make our life easier. Be it the watchman in the building, the garbage man who comes to collect the refuse or the shop attendant who bags your groceries. We do not know what is going on in their lives. Sometimes a smile, a friendly nod or a decent tip can go a long way and make a big difference to their lives. Never take people (and those who serve you) for granted.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she double checked what was on the table.... there, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - You see, the kid couldn't have the sundae, because he was a gentleman, who had to leave a tip.
Be good to those who you serve, and be kind to those who serve you. Countless people serve to make our life easier. Be it the watchman in the building, the garbage man who comes to collect the refuse or the shop attendant who bags your groceries. We do not know what is going on in their lives. Sometimes a smile, a friendly nod or a decent tip can go a long way and make a big difference to their lives. Never take people (and those who serve you) for granted.
"Think of Divine Abundance as a mighty, refreshing rain; whatever receptacle you have at hand will receive it. If you hold up a tin cup, you will receive only that quantity. If you hold up a bowl, that will be filled. What kind of receptacle are you holding up to Divine Abundance?"
-Paramahansa Yogananda
Came across this article .Thought of sharing.
If You Can’t Stop Taking Yourself Too Seriously, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/co...seriously-ask-yourself-these-6-questions.html
Confident people can laugh at themselves. If you would like to stress less and smile more, ask yourself these six questions that should convince you to stop taking yourself too seriously.
1. Stressing out about a situation won’t make it go away, so why not try to find the humor in it?
Stress is a self-inflicted mental nightmare. It’s amazing how your brain can turn a minor inconvenience into a major headache before the day is over. Please understand that stressing out is the least effect problem-solving technique in existence. I find it helpful to distance myself from events that stress me out as soon as they happen. I replay the event in my head, but this time as a spectator instead of a victim. Looking at the same situation as a person without emotional attachment puts me in my place, because nothing ever proves to be as bad as it seemed with a little perspective.
2. Everyone is crazy in their own way, so why not embrace your weirdness?
If you think everybody you know has a perfect life due to the content of their Facebook feed, I can assure you that isn’t the case. Most people only post pictures and status updates that make them look good. Think twice before comparing yourself to a person based on the picturesque life they reflect publicly, because you’re probably witnessing a highlight reel that bears no resemblance to reality. And besides, it’s better to own the weird things about you than it is to hide them in a sea of upbeat statuses and family photos.
3. No one who changed the world conformed to society’s expectations, so why should you be a sheep?
How many conformists did you learn about in history class? I can’t recall a single one. Everyone you admire broke rank with what society expected of them, because there is nothing noteworthy about conforming to somebody else’s standards.
4. Come to think of it, society is pretty screwed up as it is, so why would you want to have anything to do with it?
More people are interested in reading gossip magazines than literature. Reality TV shows devoid of substance garner more viewers than thought-provoking autobiographies or emotionally-wrenching dramas worth watching. Let that settle for a moment and ask yourself, “Is this a society that I want to be a part of?” I hope not.
5. You don’t have a crystal ball, so why should you obsess with things you can’t predict?
No matter how much you might wish for something to happen (or not), agonizing about it won’t do you a bit of good. You can, however, take as much action as possible to stack the odds in your favor. Even if things don’t work out as you hoped (how often does that really happen?), don’t freak out. An ability to react swiftly and decisively to a constantly changing set of circumstances will take you farther than any amount of planning ever would.
6. People who take everything seriously are miserable to be around, so why would you do such a thing?
Would you rather hang out with a person who is able to laugh at themselves when they do something silly, or a person who gets upset at the slightest provocation? Would you rather have a friend who can cheer you up when you’re feeling down, or a friend who makes you feel even more depressed? Would you rather have a partner who is considerate enough confess their faults, or a partner who is so egocentric that they are unwilling to accept blame for anything? If you can’t stop taking yourself too seriously, considering those questions should be an eye-opener. Answer them honestly and do likewise.
If You Can’t Stop Taking Yourself Too Seriously, Ask Yourself These 6 Questions
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/co...seriously-ask-yourself-these-6-questions.html
Confident people can laugh at themselves. If you would like to stress less and smile more, ask yourself these six questions that should convince you to stop taking yourself too seriously.
1. Stressing out about a situation won’t make it go away, so why not try to find the humor in it?
Stress is a self-inflicted mental nightmare. It’s amazing how your brain can turn a minor inconvenience into a major headache before the day is over. Please understand that stressing out is the least effect problem-solving technique in existence. I find it helpful to distance myself from events that stress me out as soon as they happen. I replay the event in my head, but this time as a spectator instead of a victim. Looking at the same situation as a person without emotional attachment puts me in my place, because nothing ever proves to be as bad as it seemed with a little perspective.
2. Everyone is crazy in their own way, so why not embrace your weirdness?
If you think everybody you know has a perfect life due to the content of their Facebook feed, I can assure you that isn’t the case. Most people only post pictures and status updates that make them look good. Think twice before comparing yourself to a person based on the picturesque life they reflect publicly, because you’re probably witnessing a highlight reel that bears no resemblance to reality. And besides, it’s better to own the weird things about you than it is to hide them in a sea of upbeat statuses and family photos.
3. No one who changed the world conformed to society’s expectations, so why should you be a sheep?
How many conformists did you learn about in history class? I can’t recall a single one. Everyone you admire broke rank with what society expected of them, because there is nothing noteworthy about conforming to somebody else’s standards.
4. Come to think of it, society is pretty screwed up as it is, so why would you want to have anything to do with it?
More people are interested in reading gossip magazines than literature. Reality TV shows devoid of substance garner more viewers than thought-provoking autobiographies or emotionally-wrenching dramas worth watching. Let that settle for a moment and ask yourself, “Is this a society that I want to be a part of?” I hope not.
5. You don’t have a crystal ball, so why should you obsess with things you can’t predict?
No matter how much you might wish for something to happen (or not), agonizing about it won’t do you a bit of good. You can, however, take as much action as possible to stack the odds in your favor. Even if things don’t work out as you hoped (how often does that really happen?), don’t freak out. An ability to react swiftly and decisively to a constantly changing set of circumstances will take you farther than any amount of planning ever would.
6. People who take everything seriously are miserable to be around, so why would you do such a thing?
Would you rather hang out with a person who is able to laugh at themselves when they do something silly, or a person who gets upset at the slightest provocation? Would you rather have a friend who can cheer you up when you’re feeling down, or a friend who makes you feel even more depressed? Would you rather have a partner who is considerate enough confess their faults, or a partner who is so egocentric that they are unwilling to accept blame for anything? If you can’t stop taking yourself too seriously, considering those questions should be an eye-opener. Answer them honestly and do likewise.
http://collectivelyconscious.net/ar...s-music-has-on-your-health-backed-by-science/
Many people don’t know this but listening to music is not just something that brings joy, it can also improve your health in a variety of ways and scientists have proven that through many researches. Read on to find how music can make your life more awesome.
1. Helps you sleep better
Music contributes for a healthy sleep. Researchers have found that classical music can help us deal with Insomnia, especially college students. This is definitely a healthier and much cheaper fix for your sleeping disorder than taking pills.
2. Fights stress
It is no surprise that listening to music helps relieve stress off your shoulders.Studies have found that music stimulates biochemical stress reducers which helps us feel more relaxed.
3. Helps you get in touch with yourself
As it puts us in a better mood, music helps us get in touch with our emotions, a 2013 study suggests. The participants marked “self-awareness” as one of the most important advantages of music.
4. It relieves pain
Music has the ability to decrease the intensity of the pain. It activates sensory pathways that fight pain pathways and takes a person’s attention away from the pain.
5. Fights anxiety
When we are feeling anxious, listening to music can help us fight it as it has the same effect on the brain as a massage has on the body.
6. Acts as a motivator for bikers and runners.
College students conducted a research and proved that the people who rode stationary bicycles were able to work harder while they were listening to fast music compared to those who weren’t listening to any music during the experiment. If you are like me and prefer running, listening to your favorite songs can help you beat your personal records and even strengthen your endurance. Long story short, music helps you perform better during your workouts and also makes them a lot more enjoyable.
7. Helps you recover faster after a workout.
It’s proven that your body recovers faster after a hard workout when you are listening to your favorite music.
8. Fights sadness
Researchers have found that music can successfully fight symptoms of depression but the genre is very important. Classical and meditation music can boost your mood when you are feeling down, but listening to heavy metal or techno music won’t help that much with chasing away the bad thoughts.
9. Helps the function of the blood vessels
Science has proven that the emotions that people have while listening to music contribute to healthier functions of blood vessels. As music makes you feel happier, it boosts the blood flow in your blood vessels.
10. Helps with stroke recovery
A Finnish study found that if stroke patients listened to music for 2 hours a day, they recover faster. Not only their moods improve, but also their verbal abilities and attention span, too.
11. Improves performance in high-pressure experiences
Fast music can help you fight stress before a high-pressure experience- an important game, for example. Researches have proven that listening to fast music just before a basketball game helped player relieve the stress and perform better.
12. Makes you mindful while you eat
Playing some music in the background is proven to help people slow down and enjoy their feeding process. This makes them more aware of what they are consuming and really tasting the food rather than eating quickly which leaves them feeling hungry and dissatisfied with the meal.
13. Improves cognitive functions
Playing background music while working on tasks that need your mental focus can boost your performance. A research has found that music can boost one’s cognitive abilities, but only if it has the same effect on the emotional state.
14. Music can get you into a state similar to meditation
Slow music can have effect on the speed of your brainwaves which makes them similar to someone who is in a meditative or hypnotic state. This can have a healing effect as it eases the symptoms of PMS and behavioral issues.
15. Eases patients going through a surgery
A research discovered that when patients are played music just before a cardiovascular surgery, they start feeling less worried. Moreover, music reduces the stress after the surgery if it is played while the patients are resting in their beds.
It doesn’t matter what the music of your choice is. The information above has probably assured you that music will not only bring joy and inspiration to your life, but is a great source of health as well.
Written by Eevee G of www.iheartintelligence.com
Many people don’t know this but listening to music is not just something that brings joy, it can also improve your health in a variety of ways and scientists have proven that through many researches. Read on to find how music can make your life more awesome.
1. Helps you sleep better
Music contributes for a healthy sleep. Researchers have found that classical music can help us deal with Insomnia, especially college students. This is definitely a healthier and much cheaper fix for your sleeping disorder than taking pills.
2. Fights stress
It is no surprise that listening to music helps relieve stress off your shoulders.Studies have found that music stimulates biochemical stress reducers which helps us feel more relaxed.
3. Helps you get in touch with yourself
As it puts us in a better mood, music helps us get in touch with our emotions, a 2013 study suggests. The participants marked “self-awareness” as one of the most important advantages of music.
4. It relieves pain
Music has the ability to decrease the intensity of the pain. It activates sensory pathways that fight pain pathways and takes a person’s attention away from the pain.
5. Fights anxiety
When we are feeling anxious, listening to music can help us fight it as it has the same effect on the brain as a massage has on the body.
6. Acts as a motivator for bikers and runners.
College students conducted a research and proved that the people who rode stationary bicycles were able to work harder while they were listening to fast music compared to those who weren’t listening to any music during the experiment. If you are like me and prefer running, listening to your favorite songs can help you beat your personal records and even strengthen your endurance. Long story short, music helps you perform better during your workouts and also makes them a lot more enjoyable.
7. Helps you recover faster after a workout.
It’s proven that your body recovers faster after a hard workout when you are listening to your favorite music.
8. Fights sadness
Researchers have found that music can successfully fight symptoms of depression but the genre is very important. Classical and meditation music can boost your mood when you are feeling down, but listening to heavy metal or techno music won’t help that much with chasing away the bad thoughts.
9. Helps the function of the blood vessels
Science has proven that the emotions that people have while listening to music contribute to healthier functions of blood vessels. As music makes you feel happier, it boosts the blood flow in your blood vessels.
10. Helps with stroke recovery
A Finnish study found that if stroke patients listened to music for 2 hours a day, they recover faster. Not only their moods improve, but also their verbal abilities and attention span, too.
11. Improves performance in high-pressure experiences
Fast music can help you fight stress before a high-pressure experience- an important game, for example. Researches have proven that listening to fast music just before a basketball game helped player relieve the stress and perform better.
12. Makes you mindful while you eat
Playing some music in the background is proven to help people slow down and enjoy their feeding process. This makes them more aware of what they are consuming and really tasting the food rather than eating quickly which leaves them feeling hungry and dissatisfied with the meal.
13. Improves cognitive functions
Playing background music while working on tasks that need your mental focus can boost your performance. A research has found that music can boost one’s cognitive abilities, but only if it has the same effect on the emotional state.
14. Music can get you into a state similar to meditation
Slow music can have effect on the speed of your brainwaves which makes them similar to someone who is in a meditative or hypnotic state. This can have a healing effect as it eases the symptoms of PMS and behavioral issues.
15. Eases patients going through a surgery
A research discovered that when patients are played music just before a cardiovascular surgery, they start feeling less worried. Moreover, music reduces the stress after the surgery if it is played while the patients are resting in their beds.
It doesn’t matter what the music of your choice is. The information above has probably assured you that music will not only bring joy and inspiration to your life, but is a great source of health as well.
Written by Eevee G of www.iheartintelligence.com
S e e d s o f A n ge r, S e e d s o f C o m p a s s i o n
We often talk about consciousness as soil. The seeds of all
mental formations are buried in our store consciousness.
These mental formations are born, arise in our mind consciousness,
remain for some time, and then return to the store
consciousness in the form of a seed.
Our compassion also rests in our store consciousness in
the form of a seed. Every time we touch or water a seed, it
will spring up and manifest itself in our mind consciousness,
the upper level of consciousness. If a positive seed, like the
seed of joy or compassion, is watered and manifests, it will
make us feel happy. But if a negative seed, like the seed of
jealousy, is watered and manifests, it will make us feel unhappy.
As long as our joy or anger is buried in the soil and no
one touches it, we call it a seed. But when it manifests in
mind consciousness, we call it a mental formation. We have
to recognize anger in both its forms: as a seed in our store
consciousness and as a mental formation, an active zone of
energy that comes up in our mind consciousness. We have to
realize that even when anger does not manifest, it is still there.
Everyone has a seed of anger in the depth of his or her
consciousness. When that seed does not manifest, you don’t
feel angry at all. You don’t feel angry with anyone. You feel
fine, you feel fresh, you look lovely. You smile, laugh, and
talk. But this does not mean that anger is not in you. Anger
may not be manifesting in your mind consciousness, but it is
always there in your store consciousness. If someone does
something or says something that touches the seed of anger
in you, it will manifest very quickly in the living room.
A good practitioner is not someone who no longer has
any anger or suffering. This is not possible. A good practi-tioner
is someone who knows how to take good care of her
anger and suffering as soon as they arise. Someone who does
not practice does not know how to handle the energy of
anger when it manifests, and he or she can easily be overwhelmed
by anger.
But if you practice mindful living, you do not allow anger
to overwhelm you like that. You invite the seed of mindfulness
up to take care of your anger. Mindful breathing and
walking will help you to do this.
H a b i t E n e r g y a n d M i n d f u l B r e a t h i n g
We all have habit energy in us. We are intelligent enough to
know that if we do something or say something based on our
habit energy, we will damage our relationships. And yet, even
with this intelligence, we still do things out of anger, we still
say things out of anger. Therefore, many of us have caused a
lot of suffering in our relationships with other people. After
the damage has been done, you are full of regret and you
vow that you will never do such a thing again. You are very
sincere; you have a great deal of good will. But the next time
the situation presents itself, you do exactly the same thing,
you say exactly the same thing, and you cause the same damage
again and again.
Your intelligence, your knowledge, does not help you
change your habit energy. Only the practice of recognizing,
embracing, and transforming can help. That is why the Buddha
advised us to practice mindful breathing to recognize
and take care of our habit energy as soon as it manifests. If
you are capable of embracing your habit energy with the energy
of mindfulness, then you are safe, you are not going to
make the same mistake again
--T H I C H N H AT H A N H
We often talk about consciousness as soil. The seeds of all
mental formations are buried in our store consciousness.
These mental formations are born, arise in our mind consciousness,
remain for some time, and then return to the store
consciousness in the form of a seed.
Our compassion also rests in our store consciousness in
the form of a seed. Every time we touch or water a seed, it
will spring up and manifest itself in our mind consciousness,
the upper level of consciousness. If a positive seed, like the
seed of joy or compassion, is watered and manifests, it will
make us feel happy. But if a negative seed, like the seed of
jealousy, is watered and manifests, it will make us feel unhappy.
As long as our joy or anger is buried in the soil and no
one touches it, we call it a seed. But when it manifests in
mind consciousness, we call it a mental formation. We have
to recognize anger in both its forms: as a seed in our store
consciousness and as a mental formation, an active zone of
energy that comes up in our mind consciousness. We have to
realize that even when anger does not manifest, it is still there.
Everyone has a seed of anger in the depth of his or her
consciousness. When that seed does not manifest, you don’t
feel angry at all. You don’t feel angry with anyone. You feel
fine, you feel fresh, you look lovely. You smile, laugh, and
talk. But this does not mean that anger is not in you. Anger
may not be manifesting in your mind consciousness, but it is
always there in your store consciousness. If someone does
something or says something that touches the seed of anger
in you, it will manifest very quickly in the living room.
A good practitioner is not someone who no longer has
any anger or suffering. This is not possible. A good practi-tioner
is someone who knows how to take good care of her
anger and suffering as soon as they arise. Someone who does
not practice does not know how to handle the energy of
anger when it manifests, and he or she can easily be overwhelmed
by anger.
But if you practice mindful living, you do not allow anger
to overwhelm you like that. You invite the seed of mindfulness
up to take care of your anger. Mindful breathing and
walking will help you to do this.
H a b i t E n e r g y a n d M i n d f u l B r e a t h i n g
We all have habit energy in us. We are intelligent enough to
know that if we do something or say something based on our
habit energy, we will damage our relationships. And yet, even
with this intelligence, we still do things out of anger, we still
say things out of anger. Therefore, many of us have caused a
lot of suffering in our relationships with other people. After
the damage has been done, you are full of regret and you
vow that you will never do such a thing again. You are very
sincere; you have a great deal of good will. But the next time
the situation presents itself, you do exactly the same thing,
you say exactly the same thing, and you cause the same damage
again and again.
Your intelligence, your knowledge, does not help you
change your habit energy. Only the practice of recognizing,
embracing, and transforming can help. That is why the Buddha
advised us to practice mindful breathing to recognize
and take care of our habit energy as soon as it manifests. If
you are capable of embracing your habit energy with the energy
of mindfulness, then you are safe, you are not going to
make the same mistake again
--T H I C H N H AT H A N H
The Common Mistake You Want to Avoid
By James Clear
“Your audacious life goals are fabulous. We’re proud of you for having them. But it’s possible that those goals are designed to distract you from the thing that’s really frightening you—the shift in daily habits that would mean a re–invention of how you see yourself”.—Seth Godin
Transformations and overnight successes get a lot of hype. (For good reason, who wouldn't want to be more successful in less time?)
But here's the problem: when you hear about a dramatic transformation (like someone losing 100 pounds) or a incredible success story (like someone building a million dollar business in 1 year), the only thing you know is the
event that people are talking about. You don't hear anything about the process that came before it or about the habits that led to the eventual result. It's easy to let these incredible stories trick you into doing too much, too soon. I
know I've done it. When you get motivated and inspired to take your life to the next level, it's so easy to get obsessed with the result. I need to meditate 3 days per week (or 5 or 7).I need to lose 20 pounds
(or 40 or 60 or 100). I need to squat 300 pounds (or 400 or 500). Or thousands of other variations of your life goals.
It's natural to think that we need the result, the transformation, the overnight
success. But that's not what you need. You need better habits
It’s so easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making better decisions on a daily basis. Almost every habit that you have — good or bad — is the result of many small decisions over time. And if this is true, if the problems you’re facing now are the result of thousands of small decisions made over the course of years, then wouldn’t it make sense that path to success, health, strength, joy, fulfillment, meaning, and vitality would also be through thousands of daily decisions?And yet, how easily we forget this when we want to make a change.
When you become obsessed with achieving a result quickly, the only thing you think about is how to get to your goal, and you forget to realize that our process for achieving goals is just as important as whether or not you achieve them at all. The desire to achieve results quickly fools you into thinking that the result is
the prize.But here's the truth...
Becoming the type of person you want to become — someone who lives by a stronger standard, someone who believes in themselves, someone who can be counted on by the people that matter to them — is about the daily process you follow and not the ultimate product you achieve.Why is this true? Because your life today is essentially the sum of your habits.How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits.How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits.How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits.
What you repeatedly do (i.e. what you spend time thinking about and doing each day) ultimately forms the person you are, the things you believe, and the personality that you portray.The most common mistake that people make is setting their sights on an event, a transformation, an overnight success they want to achieve – rather than
focusing on their habits and routines.I've been guilty of this just like everyone else. And even today, I'm still learning
how to master my habits just like you
The Science of How Your Habits Work
(The 3 R's of Habit Change)
There is a simple 3–step pattern that every habit follows. I call this pattern the
“3 R's of Habit Change” and it goes like this...
1.Reminder (the trigger that initiates the behavior)
2.Routine (the behavior itself; the action you take)
3.Reward (the benefit you gain from doing the behavior)
This sequence has been proven over and over again by behavioral psychology researchers. I originally learned of this cycle from Stanford professor, BJ Fogg. And more recently, I read about it in Charles Duhigg’s best–selling book, The Power of Habit
.
How can you use this structure to create new habits and actually stick to them?
Here’s how...
Step 1: Use a Current Habit as the Reminder for Your New One
If you talk to your friends about starting a new habit, they might tell you that you need to exercise self–control or that you need to find a new dose of willpower.
I disagree.
Getting motivated and trying to remember to do a new behavior is the exact wrong way to go about it. If you think about this, it makes sense. Sometimes you feel motivated and sometimes you don't, right? So why would you want to rely on motivation (something that changes) to create a new habit (something that you want to be consistent)?
This is why the reminder – the trigger for your new behavior – is such a critical part of forming new habits. A good reminder makes it easier for you to start your habit by encoding your new behavior in something that you already do, rather than relying on getting motivated.
For example, I created a new habit of flossing each day by always doing it after brushing my teeth. The act of brushing my teeth was something that I already did and it acted as the trigger or cue to do my new behavior.
To make things even easier and prevent myself from having to remember to floss, I bought a bowl, placed it next to my toothbrush, and put a handful of pre–made flossers in it. Now I see the floss every time I reach for my toothbrush
Setting up a visible reminder and linking my new habit with a current behavior made it much easier to change. No need to be motivated. No need to remember.
How to Choose Your Reminder
It doesn’t matter if it’s working out or eating healthy or creating art, you can’t expect yourself to magically stick to a new habit without setting up a system that makes it easier to start. And for that reason, picking the correct reminder
for your new habit is the first step to making change easier.
The reminder that you choose to initiate your new behavior is specific to your life and the habit that you're trying to create. The best way I know to discover a good reminder for your new habit is to write down two lists. In the first list, write down the things that you do each day without fail.
For example...
•
Get in the shower.
•
Put your shoes on.
•
Brush your teeth.
•
Flush the toilet.
•
Sit down for dinner.
•
Turn the lights off.
•
Get into bed.
You’ll often find that many of these items are daily health habits like washing your face, drinking morning tea, brushing your teeth, and so on. Those actions can act as reminders for new health habits. For example,
“After I drink my morning tea, I meditate for 60 seconds.” In the second list, write down the things that happen to you each day...
•
You stop at a red light.
•
You get a text message.
•
A commercial comes on TV.
•
A song ends.
•
The sun sets.
These events can also act as triggers for your new habit. For example, if you wanted to “
When a commercial comes on TV, I do five pushups.”
With these two lists, you’ll have a wide range of things that you already do and already respond to each day. Those are the perfect reminders for new habits.
For example, let’s say you want to feel happier. Expressing gratitude is one proven way to boost happiness. Using the list above, you could pick the reminder “sit down for dinner” and use it as a cue to say one thing that you’re
grateful for today.
“When I sit down for dinner, I say one thing that I’m grateful for today.”
That’s the type of small behavior that could blossom into a more grateful outlook on life in general.
Step 2: Make Your Habits Incredibly Easy to Start
Make it so easy you can’t say no.
—Leo Babauta
As I mentioned in the beginning of this guide, it’s incredibly easy to get caught up in the desire to make massive changes in your life. We watch incredible weight loss transformations and think that we need to lose 30 pounds in the next 4 weeks. We see elite athletes on TV and wish that we could run faster and jump higher tomorrow. We want to earn more, do more, and be more ... right now.
I’ve felt those things too, so I get it. And in general, I applaud the enthusiasm. I’m glad that you want great things for your life and I want to do what I can to help you achieve them. But it’s important to remember that lasting change is a product of daily habits, not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.
If you want to start a new habit and begin living healthier and happier, then I have one suggestion that I cannot emphasis enough: start small.
In the words of Leo Babauta, “make it so easy that you can’t say no.”
How small? Stanford professor BJ Fogg suggests that people who want to start flossing begin by flossing only one tooth. Just one.In the beginning, performance doesn’t matter. What does matter is becoming the type of person who always sticks to your new habit – no matter how small or insignificant it seems. You can build up to the level of performance that you want once the behavior becomes consistent.
Your homework:
Pick a new habit you want to start. Now ask yourself, “How can I make this new behavior so easy to do that I can’t say no?”
Step 3: Always Reward Yourself It’s important to celebrate. (I think that’s just as true in life as it is with habits.)
When it comes to sticking to better habits, there is an important reason to always reward yourself: we want to continue doing things that make us feel good.
And that is why it’s especially important that you reward yourself each time you practice your new habit.
For example, if I’m working towards a new fitness goal, then I’ll often tell myself at the end of a workout, “That was good day.” Or, “Good job. You made progress today.”
If you feel like it, you could even tell yourself “Victory!” or “Success!” each time you do your new habit.I haven’t done this myself, but some people swear by it.
•
Floss one tooth. “Victory!”
•
Eat a healthy meal. “Success!”
•
Do five pushups. “Good work!”
Rewarding yourself with positive self–talk can take some getting used to if you’re not someone who typically does that. But even if it sounds silly, research has proven that the reward is an important part of the habit process. Give
yourself some credit and enjoy each small success.
Related note: Make sure that the habits you are trying to build are actually
important to you. It’s tough to find a reward in something when you’re only
doing it because you think other people expect it or would approve of it. It's
your life, so make sure you're spending your time on things that are
important to you.
By James Clear
By James Clear
“Your audacious life goals are fabulous. We’re proud of you for having them. But it’s possible that those goals are designed to distract you from the thing that’s really frightening you—the shift in daily habits that would mean a re–invention of how you see yourself”.—Seth Godin
Transformations and overnight successes get a lot of hype. (For good reason, who wouldn't want to be more successful in less time?)
But here's the problem: when you hear about a dramatic transformation (like someone losing 100 pounds) or a incredible success story (like someone building a million dollar business in 1 year), the only thing you know is the
event that people are talking about. You don't hear anything about the process that came before it or about the habits that led to the eventual result. It's easy to let these incredible stories trick you into doing too much, too soon. I
know I've done it. When you get motivated and inspired to take your life to the next level, it's so easy to get obsessed with the result. I need to meditate 3 days per week (or 5 or 7).I need to lose 20 pounds
(or 40 or 60 or 100). I need to squat 300 pounds (or 400 or 500). Or thousands of other variations of your life goals.
It's natural to think that we need the result, the transformation, the overnight
success. But that's not what you need. You need better habits
It’s so easy to overestimate the importance of one defining moment and underestimate the value of making better decisions on a daily basis. Almost every habit that you have — good or bad — is the result of many small decisions over time. And if this is true, if the problems you’re facing now are the result of thousands of small decisions made over the course of years, then wouldn’t it make sense that path to success, health, strength, joy, fulfillment, meaning, and vitality would also be through thousands of daily decisions?And yet, how easily we forget this when we want to make a change.
When you become obsessed with achieving a result quickly, the only thing you think about is how to get to your goal, and you forget to realize that our process for achieving goals is just as important as whether or not you achieve them at all. The desire to achieve results quickly fools you into thinking that the result is
the prize.But here's the truth...
Becoming the type of person you want to become — someone who lives by a stronger standard, someone who believes in themselves, someone who can be counted on by the people that matter to them — is about the daily process you follow and not the ultimate product you achieve.Why is this true? Because your life today is essentially the sum of your habits.How in shape or out of shape you are? A result of your habits.How happy or unhappy you are? A result of your habits.How successful or unsuccessful you are? A result of your habits.
What you repeatedly do (i.e. what you spend time thinking about and doing each day) ultimately forms the person you are, the things you believe, and the personality that you portray.The most common mistake that people make is setting their sights on an event, a transformation, an overnight success they want to achieve – rather than
focusing on their habits and routines.I've been guilty of this just like everyone else. And even today, I'm still learning
how to master my habits just like you
The Science of How Your Habits Work
(The 3 R's of Habit Change)
There is a simple 3–step pattern that every habit follows. I call this pattern the
“3 R's of Habit Change” and it goes like this...
1.Reminder (the trigger that initiates the behavior)
2.Routine (the behavior itself; the action you take)
3.Reward (the benefit you gain from doing the behavior)
This sequence has been proven over and over again by behavioral psychology researchers. I originally learned of this cycle from Stanford professor, BJ Fogg. And more recently, I read about it in Charles Duhigg’s best–selling book, The Power of Habit
.
How can you use this structure to create new habits and actually stick to them?
Here’s how...
Step 1: Use a Current Habit as the Reminder for Your New One
If you talk to your friends about starting a new habit, they might tell you that you need to exercise self–control or that you need to find a new dose of willpower.
I disagree.
Getting motivated and trying to remember to do a new behavior is the exact wrong way to go about it. If you think about this, it makes sense. Sometimes you feel motivated and sometimes you don't, right? So why would you want to rely on motivation (something that changes) to create a new habit (something that you want to be consistent)?
This is why the reminder – the trigger for your new behavior – is such a critical part of forming new habits. A good reminder makes it easier for you to start your habit by encoding your new behavior in something that you already do, rather than relying on getting motivated.
For example, I created a new habit of flossing each day by always doing it after brushing my teeth. The act of brushing my teeth was something that I already did and it acted as the trigger or cue to do my new behavior.
To make things even easier and prevent myself from having to remember to floss, I bought a bowl, placed it next to my toothbrush, and put a handful of pre–made flossers in it. Now I see the floss every time I reach for my toothbrush
Setting up a visible reminder and linking my new habit with a current behavior made it much easier to change. No need to be motivated. No need to remember.
How to Choose Your Reminder
It doesn’t matter if it’s working out or eating healthy or creating art, you can’t expect yourself to magically stick to a new habit without setting up a system that makes it easier to start. And for that reason, picking the correct reminder
for your new habit is the first step to making change easier.
The reminder that you choose to initiate your new behavior is specific to your life and the habit that you're trying to create. The best way I know to discover a good reminder for your new habit is to write down two lists. In the first list, write down the things that you do each day without fail.
For example...
•
Get in the shower.
•
Put your shoes on.
•
Brush your teeth.
•
Flush the toilet.
•
Sit down for dinner.
•
Turn the lights off.
•
Get into bed.
You’ll often find that many of these items are daily health habits like washing your face, drinking morning tea, brushing your teeth, and so on. Those actions can act as reminders for new health habits. For example,
“After I drink my morning tea, I meditate for 60 seconds.” In the second list, write down the things that happen to you each day...
•
You stop at a red light.
•
You get a text message.
•
A commercial comes on TV.
•
A song ends.
•
The sun sets.
These events can also act as triggers for your new habit. For example, if you wanted to “
When a commercial comes on TV, I do five pushups.”
With these two lists, you’ll have a wide range of things that you already do and already respond to each day. Those are the perfect reminders for new habits.
For example, let’s say you want to feel happier. Expressing gratitude is one proven way to boost happiness. Using the list above, you could pick the reminder “sit down for dinner” and use it as a cue to say one thing that you’re
grateful for today.
“When I sit down for dinner, I say one thing that I’m grateful for today.”
That’s the type of small behavior that could blossom into a more grateful outlook on life in general.
Step 2: Make Your Habits Incredibly Easy to Start
Make it so easy you can’t say no.
—Leo Babauta
As I mentioned in the beginning of this guide, it’s incredibly easy to get caught up in the desire to make massive changes in your life. We watch incredible weight loss transformations and think that we need to lose 30 pounds in the next 4 weeks. We see elite athletes on TV and wish that we could run faster and jump higher tomorrow. We want to earn more, do more, and be more ... right now.
I’ve felt those things too, so I get it. And in general, I applaud the enthusiasm. I’m glad that you want great things for your life and I want to do what I can to help you achieve them. But it’s important to remember that lasting change is a product of daily habits, not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.
If you want to start a new habit and begin living healthier and happier, then I have one suggestion that I cannot emphasis enough: start small.
In the words of Leo Babauta, “make it so easy that you can’t say no.”
How small? Stanford professor BJ Fogg suggests that people who want to start flossing begin by flossing only one tooth. Just one.In the beginning, performance doesn’t matter. What does matter is becoming the type of person who always sticks to your new habit – no matter how small or insignificant it seems. You can build up to the level of performance that you want once the behavior becomes consistent.
Your homework:
Pick a new habit you want to start. Now ask yourself, “How can I make this new behavior so easy to do that I can’t say no?”
Step 3: Always Reward Yourself It’s important to celebrate. (I think that’s just as true in life as it is with habits.)
When it comes to sticking to better habits, there is an important reason to always reward yourself: we want to continue doing things that make us feel good.
And that is why it’s especially important that you reward yourself each time you practice your new habit.
For example, if I’m working towards a new fitness goal, then I’ll often tell myself at the end of a workout, “That was good day.” Or, “Good job. You made progress today.”
If you feel like it, you could even tell yourself “Victory!” or “Success!” each time you do your new habit.I haven’t done this myself, but some people swear by it.
•
Floss one tooth. “Victory!”
•
Eat a healthy meal. “Success!”
•
Do five pushups. “Good work!”
Rewarding yourself with positive self–talk can take some getting used to if you’re not someone who typically does that. But even if it sounds silly, research has proven that the reward is an important part of the habit process. Give
yourself some credit and enjoy each small success.
Related note: Make sure that the habits you are trying to build are actually
important to you. It’s tough to find a reward in something when you’re only
doing it because you think other people expect it or would approve of it. It's
your life, so make sure you're spending your time on things that are
important to you.
By James Clear
WE ARE LIMITED BY OUR “MISTAKEN CERTAINTIES”
If we wish to make a fundamental change in our life,we must first understand the root of our problems.This invariably lies in our “mistaken certainties.” Mistaken certainties are things we are sure are true but which, in fact, are not. They are generally based on wishfulthinking, which distorts reality and leads to self-deception. We want things to be as we would likethem to be rather than as they are. We look at the world, filtered by our beliefs, which blinds us to what is
real.
You must go from initial understanding to knowing . In order to know something, it must become apart of your thinking, feeling, actions and reactions. And this takes time. So don’t make the mistake of just reading the book once and saying, “I know it!” You won’t “know it” until it has been absorbed into your consciousness and becomes a new habit pattern.
Emerson said, “We are what we think about all day long.” Everything that is happening to you right now in your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual world is the result of what is going on in your mind. To put it more exactly:
We find it difficult to change our present level of awareness because—
1. What we are picturing and imagining in our minds is based on what we now believe is the Truth, regardless of how faulty or distorted it may be. Our minds control our actions and reactions.
2. It is easier to give excuses or, as we prefer to call them, “logical reasons” why it isn’t
necessary, or even possible, to change.
3. We seek only those experiences that support our present values and avoid, resist or, if necessary, forcibly reject those which are inconsistent with our existing beliefs.
4. We have built and programmed into our subconscious minds and central nervous systems the wrong responses to life situations that cause us to respond the way we have been programmed. In other words, we respond to the way we have been conditioned to FEEL and ACT. This “system” is one of our
own creations and only we can change its basic patterns.Intellectually, we may agree that there are things in our life that we should change, but we almost always feel that our situation is different from everyone else’s. This causes us to avoid, resist and, if necessary, forcibly reject any idea that threatens our beliefs. Take, for example, the alcoholic. From his viewpoint of life, it seems rational to continue drinking. The drug user, the compulsive gambler and the compulsive eater all feel the same way about their respective additions. They rationalize their actions based on their present level of awareness, however faulty it may be.
The major stumbling block to changing our awareness is that we refuse to recognize that our mistaken certainties” have distorted our perception. This is why it is important, from time to time, to challenge our beliefs to see if we may be operating from the wrong viewpoint. The beliefs of a person who has a normal, wholesome personality undergo a constant process of reorganization, but the neurotic personality clings to his beliefs, false and distorted though they may be. Usually the only way the neurotic will change is when a major crisis forces him to alter his old self-defeating habit patterns.
If your mind has been programmed or conditioned to accept false and distorted concepts and values, you will develop a lifestyle to justify them. You will assume that something is true, even though it is false. Then, seeking to prove you are right, you will collect and make the facts fit. You become like a dog chasing its tail. One false belief leads to another until you can no longer function rationally
YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY
Your number one priority in life is the expansion of your awareness. By expanding your awareness, you will remove the “mistaken certainties” which have been keeping you from being the self-confident person you would like to be. You do this by:
1. Ceasing to automatically and arbitrarily defend your personal viewpoints of “right” and “wrong.” Defending them keeps you in ignorance by blocking the reception of new ideas.
2. Reassessing your concepts, values, beliefs,ideals, assumptions, defenses, aggressions, goals,
hopes and compulsions.
3. Reorganizing and understanding your real needs and motivations
4. Learning to trust your intuition.
5. Observing your mistakes and trying to correct them, being aware that herein lie some of the most valuable lessons you’ll ever learn.
6. Loving yourself and others
7. Learning to listen without prejudging and automatically thinking, “This is good;” “That is
bad.” Training yourself to listen to WHAT is being said without the necessity of believing it.
8. Noticing what you are defending most of the time.
9. Realizing that your new awareness will provide you with the means and motivation to change for the better.
Begin to ask yourself, “Are my beliefs rational?” “Could I be mistaken?” If another person held your beliefs, you would be able to be very objective. You would, no doubt, present a convincing case why they may be wrong. Learn to view your own beliefs in this manner. Question EVERYTHING and draw your own conclusion only after you have considered all the possibilities. There is a positive answer only when the individual is willing to fulfill the demands of rigorous self-examination and self-knowledge. If he follows through his intention, he will not only discover some important truth about himself, but will have gained a psychological advantage. He will set his hand, as it
were, to a declaration of his own human dignity and taken the first step towards the foundation of his consciousness
-
Carl Jung
If we wish to make a fundamental change in our life,we must first understand the root of our problems.This invariably lies in our “mistaken certainties.” Mistaken certainties are things we are sure are true but which, in fact, are not. They are generally based on wishfulthinking, which distorts reality and leads to self-deception. We want things to be as we would likethem to be rather than as they are. We look at the world, filtered by our beliefs, which blinds us to what is
real.
You must go from initial understanding to knowing . In order to know something, it must become apart of your thinking, feeling, actions and reactions. And this takes time. So don’t make the mistake of just reading the book once and saying, “I know it!” You won’t “know it” until it has been absorbed into your consciousness and becomes a new habit pattern.
Emerson said, “We are what we think about all day long.” Everything that is happening to you right now in your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual world is the result of what is going on in your mind. To put it more exactly:
We find it difficult to change our present level of awareness because—
1. What we are picturing and imagining in our minds is based on what we now believe is the Truth, regardless of how faulty or distorted it may be. Our minds control our actions and reactions.
2. It is easier to give excuses or, as we prefer to call them, “logical reasons” why it isn’t
necessary, or even possible, to change.
3. We seek only those experiences that support our present values and avoid, resist or, if necessary, forcibly reject those which are inconsistent with our existing beliefs.
4. We have built and programmed into our subconscious minds and central nervous systems the wrong responses to life situations that cause us to respond the way we have been programmed. In other words, we respond to the way we have been conditioned to FEEL and ACT. This “system” is one of our
own creations and only we can change its basic patterns.Intellectually, we may agree that there are things in our life that we should change, but we almost always feel that our situation is different from everyone else’s. This causes us to avoid, resist and, if necessary, forcibly reject any idea that threatens our beliefs. Take, for example, the alcoholic. From his viewpoint of life, it seems rational to continue drinking. The drug user, the compulsive gambler and the compulsive eater all feel the same way about their respective additions. They rationalize their actions based on their present level of awareness, however faulty it may be.
The major stumbling block to changing our awareness is that we refuse to recognize that our mistaken certainties” have distorted our perception. This is why it is important, from time to time, to challenge our beliefs to see if we may be operating from the wrong viewpoint. The beliefs of a person who has a normal, wholesome personality undergo a constant process of reorganization, but the neurotic personality clings to his beliefs, false and distorted though they may be. Usually the only way the neurotic will change is when a major crisis forces him to alter his old self-defeating habit patterns.
If your mind has been programmed or conditioned to accept false and distorted concepts and values, you will develop a lifestyle to justify them. You will assume that something is true, even though it is false. Then, seeking to prove you are right, you will collect and make the facts fit. You become like a dog chasing its tail. One false belief leads to another until you can no longer function rationally
YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY
Your number one priority in life is the expansion of your awareness. By expanding your awareness, you will remove the “mistaken certainties” which have been keeping you from being the self-confident person you would like to be. You do this by:
1. Ceasing to automatically and arbitrarily defend your personal viewpoints of “right” and “wrong.” Defending them keeps you in ignorance by blocking the reception of new ideas.
2. Reassessing your concepts, values, beliefs,ideals, assumptions, defenses, aggressions, goals,
hopes and compulsions.
3. Reorganizing and understanding your real needs and motivations
4. Learning to trust your intuition.
5. Observing your mistakes and trying to correct them, being aware that herein lie some of the most valuable lessons you’ll ever learn.
6. Loving yourself and others
7. Learning to listen without prejudging and automatically thinking, “This is good;” “That is
bad.” Training yourself to listen to WHAT is being said without the necessity of believing it.
8. Noticing what you are defending most of the time.
9. Realizing that your new awareness will provide you with the means and motivation to change for the better.
Begin to ask yourself, “Are my beliefs rational?” “Could I be mistaken?” If another person held your beliefs, you would be able to be very objective. You would, no doubt, present a convincing case why they may be wrong. Learn to view your own beliefs in this manner. Question EVERYTHING and draw your own conclusion only after you have considered all the possibilities. There is a positive answer only when the individual is willing to fulfill the demands of rigorous self-examination and self-knowledge. If he follows through his intention, he will not only discover some important truth about himself, but will have gained a psychological advantage. He will set his hand, as it
were, to a declaration of his own human dignity and taken the first step towards the foundation of his consciousness
-
Carl Jung
Received this from a Very dear friend ..Wish to share it here .
02/26/2015 http://ideas.ted.com
7 ways to practice emotional first aid
Psychologist Guy Winch lays out seven useful ways to reboot your emotional health … starting right now.
You put a bandage on a cut or take antibiotics to treat an infection, right? No questions asked. In fact, questions would be asked if you didn’t apply first aid when necessary. So why isn’t the same true of our mental health? We are expected to just “get over” psychological wounds — when as anyone who’s ever ruminated over rejection or agonized over a failure knows only too well, emotional injuries can be just as crippling as physical ones. We need to learn how to practice emotional first aid. Here are 7 ways to do so:
1. Pay attention to emotional pain — recognize it when it happens and work to treat it before it feels all-encompassing.
The body evolved the sensation of physical pain to alert us that something is wrong and we need to address it. The same is true for emotional pain. If a rejection, failure or bad mood is not getting better, it means you’ve sustained a psychological wound and you need to treat it. For example, loneliness can be devastatingly damaging to your psychological and physical health, so when you or your friend or loved one is feeling socially or emotionally isolated, you need to take action.
2. Redirect your gut reaction when you fail.
The nature of psychological wounds makes it easy for one to lead to another. Failure can often drive you to focus on what you can’t do instead of focusing on what you can. That can then make you less likely to perform at your best, which will make you even more focused on your shortcomings, and on the cycle goes. To stop this sort of emotional spiral, learn to ignore the post-failure “gut” reaction of feeling helpless and demoralized, and make a list of factors that you can control were you to try again. For instance, think about preparation and planning, and how you might improve each of them. This kind of exercise will reduce feelings of helplessness and improve your chances of future success.
3. Monitor and protect your self-esteem. When you feel like putting yourself down, take a moment to be compassionate to yourself.
Self-esteem is like an emotional immune system that buffers you from emotional pain and strengthens your emotional resilience. As such, it is very important to monitor it and avoid putting yourself down, particularly when you are already hurting. One way to “heal” damaged self-esteem is to practice self-compassion. When you’re feeling critical of yourself, do the following exercise: imagine a dear friend is feeling bad about him or herself for similar reasons and write an email expressing compassion and support. Then read the email. Those are the messages you should be giving yourself.
4. When negative thoughts are taking over, disrupt them with positive distraction.
When you replay distressing events in your mind without seeking new insight or trying to solve a problem, you’re just brooding, and that, especially when it becomes habitual, can lead to deeper psychological pain. The best way to disrupt unhealthy rumination is to distract yourself by engaging in a task that requires concentration (for example, do a Sudoku, complete a crossword, try to recall the names of the kids in your fifth grade class). Studies show that even two minutes of distraction will reduce the urge to focus on the negative unhealthily.
5. Find meaning in loss.
Loss is a part of life, but it can scar us and keep us from moving forward if we don’t treat the emotional wounds it creates. If sufficient time has passed and you’re still struggling to move forward after a loss, you need to introduce a new way of thinking about it. Specifically, the most important thing you can do to ease your pain and recover is to find meaning in the loss and derive purpose from it. It might be hard, but think of what you might have gained from the loss (for instance, “I lost my spouse but I’ve become much closer to my kids”). Consider how you might gain or help others gain a new appreciation for life, or imagine the changes you could make that will help you live a life more aligned with your values and purpose.
6. Don’t let excessive guilt linger.
Guilt can be useful. In small doses, it alerts you to take action to mend a problem in your relationship with another person. But excessive guilt is toxic, in that it wastes your emotional and intellectual energies, distracts you from other tasks, and prevents you from enjoying life. One of the best ways to resolve lingering guilt is to offer an effective apology. Yes, you might have tried apologizing previously, but apologies are more complex than we tend to realize. The crucial ingredient that every effective apology requires — and most standard apologies lack — is an “empathy statement.” In other words, your apology should focus less on explaining why you did what you did and more on how your actions (or inactions) impacted the other person. It is much easier to forgive someone when you feel they truly understand. By apologizing (even if for a second time), the other person is much more likely to convey authentic forgiveness and help your guilt dissolve.
7. Learn what treatments for emotional wounds work for you.
Pay attention to yourself and learn how you, personally, deal with common emotional wounds. For instance, do you shrug them off, get really upset but recover quickly, get upset and recover slowly, squelch your feelings, or …? Use this analysis to help yourself understand which emotional first aid treatments work best for you in various situations (just as you would identify which of the many pain relievers on the shelves works best for you). The same goes for building emotional resilience. Try out various techniques and figure out which are easiest for you to implement and which tend to be most effective for you. But mostly, get into the habit of taking note of your psychological health on a regular basis — and especially after a stressful, difficult, or emotionally painful situation.
Yes, practicing emotional hygiene takes a little time and effort, but it will seriously elevate your entire quality of life. I promise.
02/26/2015 http://ideas.ted.com
7 ways to practice emotional first aid
Psychologist Guy Winch lays out seven useful ways to reboot your emotional health … starting right now.
You put a bandage on a cut or take antibiotics to treat an infection, right? No questions asked. In fact, questions would be asked if you didn’t apply first aid when necessary. So why isn’t the same true of our mental health? We are expected to just “get over” psychological wounds — when as anyone who’s ever ruminated over rejection or agonized over a failure knows only too well, emotional injuries can be just as crippling as physical ones. We need to learn how to practice emotional first aid. Here are 7 ways to do so:
1. Pay attention to emotional pain — recognize it when it happens and work to treat it before it feels all-encompassing.
The body evolved the sensation of physical pain to alert us that something is wrong and we need to address it. The same is true for emotional pain. If a rejection, failure or bad mood is not getting better, it means you’ve sustained a psychological wound and you need to treat it. For example, loneliness can be devastatingly damaging to your psychological and physical health, so when you or your friend or loved one is feeling socially or emotionally isolated, you need to take action.
2. Redirect your gut reaction when you fail.
The nature of psychological wounds makes it easy for one to lead to another. Failure can often drive you to focus on what you can’t do instead of focusing on what you can. That can then make you less likely to perform at your best, which will make you even more focused on your shortcomings, and on the cycle goes. To stop this sort of emotional spiral, learn to ignore the post-failure “gut” reaction of feeling helpless and demoralized, and make a list of factors that you can control were you to try again. For instance, think about preparation and planning, and how you might improve each of them. This kind of exercise will reduce feelings of helplessness and improve your chances of future success.
3. Monitor and protect your self-esteem. When you feel like putting yourself down, take a moment to be compassionate to yourself.
Self-esteem is like an emotional immune system that buffers you from emotional pain and strengthens your emotional resilience. As such, it is very important to monitor it and avoid putting yourself down, particularly when you are already hurting. One way to “heal” damaged self-esteem is to practice self-compassion. When you’re feeling critical of yourself, do the following exercise: imagine a dear friend is feeling bad about him or herself for similar reasons and write an email expressing compassion and support. Then read the email. Those are the messages you should be giving yourself.
4. When negative thoughts are taking over, disrupt them with positive distraction.
When you replay distressing events in your mind without seeking new insight or trying to solve a problem, you’re just brooding, and that, especially when it becomes habitual, can lead to deeper psychological pain. The best way to disrupt unhealthy rumination is to distract yourself by engaging in a task that requires concentration (for example, do a Sudoku, complete a crossword, try to recall the names of the kids in your fifth grade class). Studies show that even two minutes of distraction will reduce the urge to focus on the negative unhealthily.
5. Find meaning in loss.
Loss is a part of life, but it can scar us and keep us from moving forward if we don’t treat the emotional wounds it creates. If sufficient time has passed and you’re still struggling to move forward after a loss, you need to introduce a new way of thinking about it. Specifically, the most important thing you can do to ease your pain and recover is to find meaning in the loss and derive purpose from it. It might be hard, but think of what you might have gained from the loss (for instance, “I lost my spouse but I’ve become much closer to my kids”). Consider how you might gain or help others gain a new appreciation for life, or imagine the changes you could make that will help you live a life more aligned with your values and purpose.
6. Don’t let excessive guilt linger.
Guilt can be useful. In small doses, it alerts you to take action to mend a problem in your relationship with another person. But excessive guilt is toxic, in that it wastes your emotional and intellectual energies, distracts you from other tasks, and prevents you from enjoying life. One of the best ways to resolve lingering guilt is to offer an effective apology. Yes, you might have tried apologizing previously, but apologies are more complex than we tend to realize. The crucial ingredient that every effective apology requires — and most standard apologies lack — is an “empathy statement.” In other words, your apology should focus less on explaining why you did what you did and more on how your actions (or inactions) impacted the other person. It is much easier to forgive someone when you feel they truly understand. By apologizing (even if for a second time), the other person is much more likely to convey authentic forgiveness and help your guilt dissolve.
7. Learn what treatments for emotional wounds work for you.
Pay attention to yourself and learn how you, personally, deal with common emotional wounds. For instance, do you shrug them off, get really upset but recover quickly, get upset and recover slowly, squelch your feelings, or …? Use this analysis to help yourself understand which emotional first aid treatments work best for you in various situations (just as you would identify which of the many pain relievers on the shelves works best for you). The same goes for building emotional resilience. Try out various techniques and figure out which are easiest for you to implement and which tend to be most effective for you. But mostly, get into the habit of taking note of your psychological health on a regular basis — and especially after a stressful, difficult, or emotionally painful situation.
Yes, practicing emotional hygiene takes a little time and effort, but it will seriously elevate your entire quality of life. I promise.
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